Learning to Accept My "Former" Self

This week at my Weight Watchers meeting was emotional for me, the topic  was "Your Reasons for Losing". So I shared on my experience on why I came to start this WW journey. I would like to share with you my lowest point where I knew things had to change, though it is painful, I know it will speak to many of you.

Dedicated to my husband: Thank you Jim- thank you for always seeing that beauty and that fire within!! You saw it even when I did not!

I was asked to be a bridesmaid for one of my best friends at the time and I was soooo excited about the dress and jewelry and the make up: being pretty for a day. At the time I cannot even tell you what I weighed I NEVER weighed myself back then. But I can tell you my feet and ankles were constantly swollen from being overweight (they often poured out of the top of my shoes), I had many dimples visible from outside of my clothing from all the cellulite and I tired easily.  Well fast forward to the wedding: all of the girls are getting ready, putting on their special bras and underwear. All I see around me are all people thinner than me, more beautiful to me, better than me. Even when putting on make-up I just felt ugly. All the bridesmaids wore a tea length dress, so I had my kancles and all the cellulite of my legs exposed as well as my swollen feet spilling out of the satin sandals. I was very self conscious and vulnerable constantly spilling out self deprecating slurs about my appearance. Perhaps this is not how other people saw me, but this is how I saw myself. I was my worst critic, seeing every flaw magnified in self hate. Standing next to these other bridesmaids I just wanted to hide, I was less than them and did not want to be compared to them. Later that evening the corset on the back of my dress started riding up and I had this hump that was appearing in the back of the dress adding insult to injury. When it was time to dance I had to remove my kitten heeled sandals and wear ballet flats, my feet still spilling out the top. This was all I could think of, unable to focus on the joy of my friend's wedding most of the night. I love dancing, but noticed I really could not dance for more then 10 minutes without a break. So I spent most of the rest of the night silently feeling sorry for myself and sitting at my table away from where people could see me. Then when I saw the pictures of myself from the wedding I did not see myself: the vivacious, passionate and creative person I was on the inside. I saw  an unhappy shell of a person. An obese woman, an ugly disgusting person in my eyes. 

But it was from this day I decided my life needed to turn around. I wasn't sure how but I knew I had to take action. This was a necessary low needed for me.

I vaguely remember being this person. So when I look back, I am ashamed, embarrassed and disgusted with who I was. Realizing this, I need to find peace with this former Sophia. I need to just accept her as she was with all her flaws, but how? I need to forgive myself for not taking action sooner, but how? The first thing I need to do is accept who I was and not focus solely on my flaws. I was always creative, passionate, caring and fun. I have to look back and say "Sophia you have always been beautiful, inside and out". I was beautiful and never saw it, but my husband did. My husband always saw this and I thank him for it every day! 

Outta control!

We've all been there, super stressed and totally outta control! Yes that is me! The lat two weeks has been very stressful I've been putting way too much pressure on myself.

So I must admit I have not weighed in and due to being sick last week and sandy this week I missed we for 2 weeks. This is totally unlike me!

As most of you know, I am going to be going for an open caring call in NYC to try out for The Next Food Network Star. Sandy took away my first date which was 10/29. Now I got another couple of weeks to go, the new date is 11/16. So for that past two weeks I was stressing over this casting call. I think I got a real shot so I've been putting tons of pressure in myself. Even typing this I feel stressed! Ahhhh!

Now I am determined to be back in he drivers eat of what I eat!! Also I am determined to make this harbor is supposed to be...funnnn!! Let go of the expectations and pressure! This is just a shot in the dark and it is supossed to be fun. Once it's work or has the potential to be money the pressure comes on. But this is about fun and passion!

Let go of the self doubt, anxiety, expectations and the stress! Goodbye and good riddance!

Balancing it out

I went down a little his week. Only .2 pounds but I'll take it! After a lot of stress and an Oktoberfest dinner I still managed to go down! I think this has to do with taking walks almost every night and adding more activity over the weekend. I really lean on exercise to erase some of my eating mistakes and I use my dog as an excuse to get out. Happy about the loss, but this week I hope to improve on my tracking! Even though I had a small loss I felt a lack of control since I was so stressed out. I did not track much at all and that makes me feel even less control. So this week I will track every day during the week and at least the first meal for each day of the weekend. I will also focus on 5 servings of fruits and/or vegetables a day! The 5 servings a day keeps me focused on eating right! Next week I hope to see a pound loss.

This too shall pass

This past week I went up a little bit, less than a half a pound, but none the less I went up a bit this week. But it is okay because I know why. I am planning some home improvements and it is costing more than we anticipated. Stress = weight gain. Well maybe it depends on the type of stress. This kind of stress makes me just wanna eat. I think it is the feeling of loss of control in the stress that does it. Also had my lady friend in town so it could have been that...

It's not a lot of weight so I am not upset, but also not looking forward to tomorrows weight in. There was very little tracking happening and a lot of stress and some more outta control eating. None the less, life sometimes is a roller coaster. I can ride this one out.

This too shall pass!

Another Milestone- 2 posts in a row!!

I AM FINALLY UNDER 200 pounds!! The 1.8 pounds I lost this week took me to exactly 199 pounds! I literally cannot remember last time I was under 200 pounds....maybe high school?

What does this mean to me? It means I am REALLY gonna get down to my goal weight (still not sure what that is). This also means I can literally do ANYTHING I set my mind to!

How did I do the last couple weeks? Well the week before last (after my last post) I ate out A LOT! Lost my way a bit. Ate too much carbs and not enough fruits and veggies. This week I ramped up the fruits and veggies and turned up the activity! So I guess that was enough to undo some of my ill behavior. HOORAY! Oh and I tracked-tracking is your best friend.

This is magic and at my WW meeting today I almost cried! I was tearing up. I cannot believe this, the moment is so surreal to me. I NEVER expected to get this far when I started! WOW!

This change has been from inside out and the weight is just a bit of what I lost. I also lost being obsessed with perfection, self-criticism and self-loathing. What I have gained from this experience is immeasurable and priceless. I earned this, I did this and I made it happen. Watch out work- I really am unstoppable!

Another milestone!!

OFFICIALLY 60 POUNDS DOWN! Can I hear a hells yes?! It feels AMAZING! How much longer do I have to go? No idea and that is okay, because whatever my goal is I KNOW I will get there! It is a fact!

I will also mention this was the week of my wedding anniversary and I still managed to lose weight. I ate out 4 times over the weekend!!! Oh and I enjoyed every minute! It is possible to love every minute of your weight loss journey!

Yeah I STILL love food just as much- if not more than before. But my relationship with food is totally different. A mutual respect, an understanding. I love it, even lust after it. But I respect every bite and the experience of eating. I am in control, food is no longer a crutch. I stand on my own.

I thank you for sharing this journey with me and even more for the support and encouragement! It keeps me going every day, especially the touch ones!

Close to a new milestone!

Down another 2.2 pounds! YAYYY! Most importantly I am a total of 59.6 pound down! Only .4 away from 60! Wow just typing that number kind of blows my mind! Also once I lose 1.4 more pounds, I will FINALLY be under 200 pounds! FINALLY! Last time I remember being under 200 pounds I think I was in high school.

This week was good, got lots of activity in, didn't go too crazy with my indulgences. So I was expecting a loss, but since my lady friend is in town I thought I may stay the same or go up a little. This was more of a lose than I expected.

How much does this mean to me? This is one for the Sophia's History book. This is a pivotal moment in which I realize I will get to my goal weight (whatever that is)! This is the moment I am proud of me. I am actually proud of myself! I am becoming the best version of myself, the version I fantasized about. Who is she?

She is the Madonna of Sophia. She is empowered, confident (not cocky), talented, fearless, sexy and unstoppable! That is what I am becoming- taking small steps everyday to get there! It is happening- it is REALLY happening.

This is not about weight loss it is about transforming my life!!

If you are thinking you can't do it- sorry you are wrong....YOU CAN DO IT! The power is inside- under the voice inside that says you can't is your gut that says you can!