Dedicated to my husband: Thank you Jim- thank you for always seeing that beauty and that fire within!! You saw it even when I did not!
I was asked to be a bridesmaid for one of my best friends at the time and I was soooo excited about the dress and jewelry and the make up: being pretty for a day. At the time I cannot even tell you what I weighed I NEVER weighed myself back then. But I can tell you my feet and ankles were constantly swollen from being overweight (they often poured out of the top of my shoes), I had many dimples visible from outside of my clothing from all the cellulite and I tired easily. Well fast forward to the wedding: all of the girls are getting ready, putting on their special bras and underwear. All I see around me are all people thinner than me, more beautiful to me, better than me. Even when putting on make-up I just felt ugly. All the bridesmaids wore a tea length dress, so I had my kancles and all the cellulite of my legs exposed as well as my swollen feet spilling out of the satin sandals. I was very self conscious and vulnerable constantly spilling out self deprecating slurs about my appearance. Perhaps this is not how other people saw me, but this is how I saw myself. I was my worst critic, seeing every flaw magnified in self hate. Standing next to these other bridesmaids I just wanted to hide, I was less than them and did not want to be compared to them. Later that evening the corset on the back of my dress started riding up and I had this hump that was appearing in the back of the dress adding insult to injury. When it was time to dance I had to remove my kitten heeled sandals and wear ballet flats, my feet still spilling out the top. This was all I could think of, unable to focus on the joy of my friend's wedding most of the night. I love dancing, but noticed I really could not dance for more then 10 minutes without a break. So I spent most of the rest of the night silently feeling sorry for myself and sitting at my table away from where people could see me. Then when I saw the pictures of myself from the wedding I did not see myself: the vivacious, passionate and creative person I was on the inside. I saw an unhappy shell of a person. An obese woman, an ugly disgusting person in my eyes.
But it was from this day I decided my life needed to turn around. I wasn't sure how but I knew I had to take action. This was a necessary low needed for me.
I vaguely remember being this person. So when I look back, I am ashamed, embarrassed and disgusted with who I was. Realizing this, I need to find peace with this former Sophia. I need to just accept her as she was with all her flaws, but how? I need to forgive myself for not taking action sooner, but how? The first thing I need to do is accept who I was and not focus solely on my flaws. I was always creative, passionate, caring and fun. I have to look back and say "Sophia you have always been beautiful, inside and out". I was beautiful and never saw it, but my husband did. My husband always saw this and I thank him for it every day!
